Why was the skunk angry?
He was incensed.
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This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
"Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?"
"Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to punch you in the nose."
"Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of your doghouse?"
"Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
"THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!"
"Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?"
"Ruff!"
"What are you tryin' to pull, mister?"
"Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please.
Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?"
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez.
D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court.
The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear.
He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said,
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
What do cows get when they are sick?
Hay Fever.
How do you go about hiring a horse?
Try two pairs of stilts!
What are cows favorite party games?
MOO-sical chairs.
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute."
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"
A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree.
The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there.
So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, "I just got stoned with my pal the monkey."
"Really" said the croc, "where is he I want some."
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said "holy shit how much did you drink little buddy."