How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed.
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What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns?
A bull pull.
Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Hiroshima nagasaki was nothing but the result of chuck norris skydiving in Japan.
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Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.
The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"
What do you call a dumb bunny?
A hare brain.
Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges.
That's why we have the camel,sir."
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent .
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir," the First Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town."