What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.
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A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog.
After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man.
However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.
The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction.
He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.
The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.
He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.
By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated.
As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.
She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.
The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"
Vote:
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup."
Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"
A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other. They both got amnesia from the crash.
"Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused.
"Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..."
"I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!"
"And what am I?" asked the skunk.
"Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smelly, with a strip in the middle..."
"Wow!", yelled the skunk, "Probably I'm an ass!"
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.
The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".
The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week".
The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!"
The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies.
"I don't have time for sex.But a talking frog is pretty neat."
Vote:
A man is walking through a park when he steps in a pile of dog mess.
He pauses to wipe his shoe on the grass and sees another man step into the same pile.
‘I just did that,’ says the man, so the other man rubs his nose in it.
First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
Q: What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
A: Hoppalong Cassidy.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer.
He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”
A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair.
An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?"
And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."