What does an octopus take on a camping trip?
Tentacles.
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Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
A: Becuase the "P" is silent.
Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo.
Mama, little Billy shouts, this monkey looks like our neighbour, Mr. Danny.
Billy, it’s not polite to talk like that!
Why? The chimpanzee doesn’t understand...
Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
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A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.
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What’s the difference between goats and women??
Goats are always horney.
At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets.
A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies.
"The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter.
"That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands."
The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."
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Did you hear the joke about the skunk?
Never mind, it stinks.
Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef.