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What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?
An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder.
She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?
Shark absorbers.
Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats stopped eating kebabs.
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.
The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious.
The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey.
He chews bees...
Vote:
I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
On the show Man v.s Wild, when they talk about the profesionals that Bear recieves help from, they are refering to Chuck Norris.
Vote:
Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating — I call it goofing off ."