Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum. Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it. They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do? He thinks for a minute and says, " Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down." She exclaims, " I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!" The husband replies," Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"
Q: Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? A: Because then the children have to play inside.
According to leading scientists, the deadliest animal on the planet is the Bearded Norris.
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat!
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Once Odhiambo a dark kenyan man was travelling to london by air sitting next to a white lady with his pet monkey. Oodhiambo stood up and went to the washrooms and when he came back he found his bunch of bananas missing. He asked the white lady "Sorry your brother here ate them all" she said while patting the monkey. After a while the lady got up and went to the washroom to come back and find his pet monkey dead She inquired on the matter, Odhiambo camly replied "I killed it." "Why?" asked the lady. He replied "This is family matter it doesnt concern you."
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry.