Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?
The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
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Two goldfish are in a tank.
One said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."
Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
She heard he was a cowpuncher-
Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
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A Koala and a Prostitiute had just finished having sex, so the Prostitute said, "
All right, now give me my money!"
The Koala replied, "
Money, what for?" "
What for?", the Prostitute growled,
"Look up Prostitute in the dictionary and read what it says."
So the Koala looked up prostitute in the dictionary.
It said, "Prostitute- A woman who is paid to have sex."
" Okay," said the Koala, " now you look up Koala in the dictionary, and read what it says."
So the Prostitute looked up Koala in the dictionary.
It said, "Koala- A furry animal who eats bush, then leaves."
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny.
"That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger.
"I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Q: Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
A: To keep its nuts dry
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."