Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in?
They had to pay the jockey overtime!
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What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away.
Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor.
Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.
What's green green green green green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession.
At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people.
Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is this?
The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”
Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”
He answers, “This is the dog that killed her!”
So Tom asks, “can I borrow the dog for an hour?”
He responds, “Get on line!”
What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers.
Q: What's long and thin and covered with skin and nobody knows how many holes its been in.
A: A worm.
Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"
Chuck Norris doesn't just bring home the bacon, he brings home the whole pig.
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