Joke #11091

Why did the bareback performer ride his horse? Because it got too heavy to carry.

Once Odhiambo a dark kenyan man was travelling to london by air sitting next to a white lady with his pet monkey. Oodhiambo stood up and went to the washrooms and when he came back he found his bunch of bananas missing. He asked the white lady "Sorry your brother here ate them all" she said while patting the monkey. After a while the lady got up and went to the washroom to come back and find his pet monkey dead She inquired on the matter, Odhiambo camly replied "I killed it." "Why?" asked the lady. He replied "This is family matter it doesnt concern you."

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”

What's a moo hoo for grazing school? Grass class.

A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head. The barman pulls him a pint and says,‘Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.’ ‘What of it?’ asks the man.‘I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.’ ‘But today’s Tuesday,’ replies the barman. ‘Oh God.Is it?’ says the man. ‘I must look a right prat.’

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady if she had a woman that could handle 16 inches. "Hmm," said the madam. "I'm not sure. Try the first door on the right." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and immediately heard screams. "It's too big! Take it out!" So he went to the madam. "No, really. I need someone who can handle 16 inches." "Hmm," said the madam. "Try the last door." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and had the time of his life, surprised that there was no scream at all. In fact, he heard no sounds at all. Puzzled, he finished up and pulled out. "Talk to me, baby." "Moo."

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel,sir." "The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent . Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah.

Chuck Norris uses live piranhas as bath toys.