Joke #11517

So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.

Peter: Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music? Matthew: Why? Peter: Because he broke the record!

After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge. As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed. Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best handjob ever!" A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best handjob ever!" I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."

Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.

Oh, you play racquetball? You must be extremely athletic.

Two girl sprinters are training for the 100 metres race. One says to the other: "You won't believe this, but I've just run 100 metres in 10 seconds." The other says: "But that's impossible, that's the world record." So the other says: "Ah hah, but I took a short cut."

Q: Why was the blonde jogging backwards? A: She wanted to gain weight!

Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people." Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?" Mike: "No. She"s a blonde."

Is your goalmouth open? High five!

"I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?" "That's right, Sir." "So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?" "That was my dentist."

Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me." The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"