Q: What's the difference between a teabag and england?
A: The teabag stays in the cup longer!
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Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!"
Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas.
One of the men on that trip won $100,000.
He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m.
He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.
He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.
On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you.
He said he'd rather die first."
Where's the safest place to be when a bunch of white guys are playing basketball?
Under the Hoop
Peter goes golfing every Saturday.
One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late.
His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had.
We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Peter's wife says, "OMG!
That's terrible!"
Peter says, "I know.
Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club.
He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'
Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A: Pork Chop.
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Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
A: Having two legs.
Vote:
The hardest thing about prizefighting is picking up your teeth wearing a boxing glove.