"I can't wait for Father's Day" said no man ever.
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I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter.
When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females."
Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference.
He said: "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.
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Mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
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Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.
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Father's Day always worried James.
He was afraid that he will get a gift he can't afford.
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A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.
His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.
Great says his mate, what is it!
Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
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Please let me know in advance if you want to invite any secret love children to your Father's Day brunch.
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