Facebook: "My kids are perfect."
Instagram: "My kids are beautiful."
Twitter: "My kids are why I drink."
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I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
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The song Santa Claus is Coming To Town was originaly called Chuck Norris is Coming To Town.
They changed it so the children wouldn't live in fear.
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Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what?
We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
As a child, I was afreid of ghosts.
As I grew up, I realised people are more scary.
Yo Mama's so Web 2.0, she makes you call her Mothr!
PE Teacher: "Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?"
Pupil: "You told me to put it on the Net."
Teacher: "Don't forget to check the Internet if you have trouble with your homework questions."
Pupil: "It's not the questions I have trouble with, it's the answers."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"