Joke #13224

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the lightbulb must really want to change.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?” "I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.” “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.” “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?” ”Who said he wanted to?”

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None because they screw each other the dirty fucks.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. Chuck Norris can see in the dark.

A gypsy man buys land next to the house of a doctor. He hires an engineer and then gets him build an identical house. When he finished the house, the gypsy man comes to the balcony and shouts the doctor. "Doctor – Doctor!" "What is you gypsy eh?" The doctor says. "Well, maybe you don’t like me but we are the same because we have the same house!" "No way, the doctor says, because we do not have the same furniture..." the gypsy man angry as he is, oders the same furniture and he comes to the balcony again. "Doctor – Doctor! We have the same house, the same furniture, we are the same ourselves!" "What are you saying you stupid gypsy do we have the same car?" the doctor says. and shows at his luxurious MERCEDES in the garage. Angrier the gypsy man gets loans and buy an identical MERCEDES and goes back to the balcony. "Doctor – Doctor!" "What do you want again eh?" doctor says "I am “better” than you!" "Why is that eh?" doctor says. "We own the same house, furniture and same car, right?" The gypsy says. "I agree, but do these make you better than me?" the doctor says. "Because I have a neighbor doctor, and you have a neighbor Gypsy!Ha!"

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 10, 1 to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.

"Doctor, I have a problem..." "What’s your problem?" "I pee in my sleep, every night!" "Why?" "Oh, well... Every night, a little devil visits me in my sleep and asks me; “Did we pee today?”. "And, that’s it? The solution is so simple.. Listen to me! If the little devil comes again you’re gonna answer; 'Yeah, dude, I did!'" "And that will cut it off?" "Sure! Like a knife!" At night, the little devil showed up on the patient’s dream and whispered; "Did we pee today?" "Yeah, dude, I did!" said angry the guy. And little devil replied: "What about poop?"

Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hmmm... I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.