Joke #1409

Worst way to ask for anal: "Aww come on...I bet my dick is tiny compared to some of the shits you've taken!"

A sexy girl looks at the big beer belly of a man and asks: Is that Carlsberg or Tuborg? There‘s a tap underneath it – why don‘t you taste it yourself?

Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

My mate down the pub asked me last night "Why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?" I said, "It's for sound effects during sex." He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?" I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."

Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died? A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.

Why can’t gypsies have babies? Because their husbands have crystal balls.

Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex? Girl: A threesome. Boy: What's it called when two people have sex? Girl: A twosome. Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome.

Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush." The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake." A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights." A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

What do you say to a virgin? Thanks for nothing!

Think of the hottest woman. Chuck Norris did her.