Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?
An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!
What does a cow like to do by a campfire?
Roast Moosmallows.
One simply cannot play fair and win in a zoo - there are way too many cheetahs.
Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?
A: The feather forecast!
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.
Yo mama cooking so bad, the flies chipped for a screen door!
Q. What do frogs do with paper?
A. Rip-it!
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days.
A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Joe replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've spent it already."
Joe said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?"
Joe said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't flog a dead horse!"
Joe said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Joe said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece and made a profit of £2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Joe said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back."
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"