What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!
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What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
Answer: "Halo there!"
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A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.
The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."
Your mamma so old that her first Christmas was the first Christmas when Jusse said his first words you a hoe.
You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.
They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16.
The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.
Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'.
'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
You've got a lot of balls walking in here dressed like that.
What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.
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Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.
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Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
A: Mistle-toes!