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The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
A: Carbon.
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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!
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Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro's number!
