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Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!
Vote:
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
A: Carbon.
Vote:
Q: What is the chemical formula for "banana"?
A: BaNa2
As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
