Boy: you left this at my house last night
Girl: that aint mine
Boy : sorry number 32 I thought you were someone else
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After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge.
As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed.
Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best handjob ever!"
A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best handjob ever!"
I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."
Two men were shipwrecked on an island.
They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone.
The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says, "What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?"
The first man thinks for a second and replies, "I choose Boogaloo".
The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant "boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo".
The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, "You must choose, Death or Boogaloo?"
The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, "I choose death."
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, "Death by boogaloo!!!"
A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak.
In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the balls are just there for decoration.
A man goes into a library and asks where he can find books on suicide.
‘First row on the left,’ replied the librarian.
The man replies, ‘But I’ve already looked in that section.
It’s empty.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ says the librarian.
‘They don’t often bring them back.'
Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?
because the grass tickles their balls :)
Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months.
The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area.
The doctors think hard about this.
They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea.
Perhaps if he practices oral sex with her she will wake out of the coma. Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy.
He soon rushes out saying: "I think she's choking!"
Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
Vote:
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.
A pregnant woman is about to give birth.
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Damn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
There is a four story building.
On the fourth story there is a butcher, on the third story there is a guy with a really long dick, on the second story there is a painter who likes to paint things green, and on the first story there is a guy who loves to eat pickles.
So one day, the guy on the third story had a problem, his dick was too hot so he stuck it out the window.
Then the butcher thought it was salami and he chopped it off.
It then fell down to the second story were the painter painted it green and accidentally threw it out the window and fell down in the pickle jar of the first story.
Suddenly the guy in the first story picked the painted piece of dick from the jar and ate it.
He then told his wife:
Ohh this pickle is yummy, especially with the white filling!