What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
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A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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What kind of a car does a proctologist drive?
A brown Probe!
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob.
On the wall? Art.
On the floor? Matt.
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What do you get when you eat a prune pizza?
Pizzeria!
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After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.
She warns him that he'll fart his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
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A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere.
Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
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Silence is golden.
Unless you have an infant.
Then its probably blue.
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Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.
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Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead?
A: Depth perception.
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What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart.
It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
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