Joke #1508

Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
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has 32.54 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: animal

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At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?” Most of the hands go up. “And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands stay up. “Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?” Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd. “Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?” One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. “Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?” The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”
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has 72.57 % from 214 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, sex
How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
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has 77.49 % from 233 votes. More jokes about: animal, cat, drug, life, wine
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
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has 31.48 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: animal, prison
In India, cows wait until Chuck Norris crosses the street.
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has 50.70 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head. The barman pulls him a pint and says,‘Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.’ ‘What of it?’ asks the man.‘I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.’ ‘But today’s Tuesday,’ replies the barman. ‘Oh God.Is it?’ says the man. ‘I must look a right prat.’
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has 12.61 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: animal
What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, he cant hear you.
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has 31.56 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: animal
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Brontosnorus.
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has 36.51 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: animal
Chuck Norris doesn't play dead for bears, bears play dead for Chuck Norris.
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has 42.26 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
What do you call a dinosaur that destroys everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
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has 39.39 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal
What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A rubbit!
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has 26.98 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: animal