Animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
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If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?
Half and half.
Q: Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A: She wanted to mount the horse her way.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard.
I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That'll blow his little mind.
How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond.
Cut a large hole in the ice.
Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file.
Hide behind a nearby rock.
When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
YOUR MOMS HOUSE IS SO POOR I WENT TO KNOCK ON HER DOOR AND A ROACH TRIPPED ME AND A RAT TOOK MY WALET.
Psychiatrist: "What’s your problem?"
Patient: "I think I’m a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead?
Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.
Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"
The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"
What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.