Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
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John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.
One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man.
"You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin.