Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked!
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”. Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Alex an Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop. J(ohnny):I want a pistol S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols) J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this, S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose? J: For shooting cans. S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one. J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one. S: And what cans will you shoot at? J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...