Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
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Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
A: He is all right now.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
A man parachuted out of an aeroplane and his chute did not open.
As he headed for almost certain death, he saw a man coming up toward him through the air from the ground.
As the man zoomed by, the man headed down asked, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
The man replied in passing, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"
Boy: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Girl: "Do Not Enter!"
Q. What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man?
A. An oxymoron.
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q. Why did the woman bury her husband 12 feet under?
A. Because deep down he's a good person.
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A. One - men will screw anything.
B. One - men will screw up anything.
C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.
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