Joke #1835

What do you call Satan and a lawyer? Twins!

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!" That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: And his son? A: Bill.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.

What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand? Football practice.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.

Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”. The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”. “Why, are you an attorney?” “No, I’m an asshole.”

The boss speaking with the secretary: Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long? My lawyer.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”