A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? A: Outlaws are wanted.
What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
Lawyer: ‘Let me give you my honest opinion.’ Client: ‘No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.’
A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder. After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted. The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’. The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I don't understand, Cindy complained. When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.