Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap... The Army is still looking for him.
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common? Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.
Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.” “But we’s privates,” protests Junior. “NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.” “But, we’s privates,” says Junior. “You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!” So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.” Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.” Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!” “Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!
The soldier serving in Iraq was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Chuck Norris had six kids, they were called SEAL TEAM 6.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.” “Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.” “What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!” They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!” They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”