What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
Three statisticians are out hunting.
Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The first statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the left.
The second statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the right.
The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling "We got him! We got him!"
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Do you like maths?
If so add a bed subtract your clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!
One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.
He asked: "What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand: "What's 289+308?"
The teacher said: "Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said: "Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"
This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"
He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?"
She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss."
She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?"
The bartender nods...yes.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"
A drunk goes to court.
The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’
The drunk says, ‘Great.
Let’s get started.’
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."