Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
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‘After making love, I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?”
And she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”’
Garry Shandling
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says: "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?
A: When his wife's out of town.
3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
What do you call men who use the pull out method?
Fathers.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer.
Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A boy went into a hoare house and said he wanted an AIDS's infected prostitute.
The woman at reception said room 9 top of the hall.
He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected.
The boy answered,"When I go home i'll sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the morning my mam will fuck the milkman and thats the BASTARD that ran over my dog.
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.
The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"
The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."