What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
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Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’
Lawyer: ‘Absolutely.
What’s the other question?’
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of `em!"
30 degrees...
It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
How come the lawyer got underground only by his neck?
It was not enough sand...
A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
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I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’
A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer.
"Listen honey," she says, "For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want."
The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, "Paint my house."