Joke #2408

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? A: Outlaws are wanted.

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he announces. ”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?” ”What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!” ”And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. ”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry." "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's." "THAT'S when I hit him!"

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’