Joke #6520

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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has 72.77 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: lawyer

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A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?" The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4." Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, "4.0" Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"
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has 75.94 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, math
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
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has 14.23 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.
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has 50.70 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: black humor, lawyer
A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower. After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00. The lawyer, enraged, says: “I’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!” “Neither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.
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has 51.67 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, money, time
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?  "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
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has 71.25 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: bar, blonde, disgusting, lawyer
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor. Who gets it? The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
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has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear.
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has 30.41 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"
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has 46.54 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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has 76.68 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, lawyer, sex
Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
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has 56.92 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, science