What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
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A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
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When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.
Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him.
Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case.
‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’
‘Why?’ asks the judge.
‘He won your acquittal.
Why do you want to have him arrested?’
Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.
The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.
The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already
lived a wonderful and full life.
The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
A: They grow taller!
Lawyer: ‘Let me give you my honest opinion.’
Client: ‘No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.’
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
A mosquito drops off you when you die!
The scene is a dark jungle.
Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey!
Cut it out, all right!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”