How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
A desperate man enters a bar and says: All the lawyers are stupid!!! From a table a solid man rises up and goes to the desperate man: Take that back! Why? Are you a lawyer? No, I’m stupid...
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.