How can you know a lawyer is lying?
When he moves his lips.
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A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
Vote:
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes?
Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?
Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.
Vote:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.