Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way.
The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare.
Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages.
Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him.
Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case.
‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’
‘Why?’ asks the judge.
‘He won your acquittal.
Why do you want to have him arrested?’
Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’
Two lawyers are walking down the road when they see a beautiful woman walking towards them.
‘What a babe,’ one says.
‘I’d sure like to screw her!’
‘Really?’ replies the other.
‘Out of what?’
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"