Life is like a box of chocolate.
It doesn't last long for fat people.
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A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
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Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What was Forrest Gump's email password?
1forrest1
Imagine being completely naked in room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you...
This is life of a dog.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?"
Gran replies "fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"
There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist?
A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.