Life is like a box of chocolate. It doesn't last long for fat people.
FOUR stages of girl & boy relation! 1. hand in hand. 2. that in hand. 3. hand in that. 4. that in that.
I know when god becomes angry. When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg." Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret? They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
Coworker: Can you help me with this project? Me: The short answer is no. Coworker: What's the long answer? Me: Nooooooo.
What difference is between a man and Paris? The Paris remains Paris!
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
Womens are like computer virus... they ENTER your life... SEARCH your pocket... SHIFT your balance ... CONTROL your life... when you become an old version DELET you from the system
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.