A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.
The husband: Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!
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Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!
I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom.
I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.
The neighbor from below told me that If I flood him once again, he will rape me.
So I turn on the water. I sit and wait.
Man to vicar: ‘Do you approve of sex before marriage?’
Vicar: ‘Not if it delays the service.’
How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
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Q: Who did little Johnny see when he snuck into the church late one night?
A: Pastor Bedtime.
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Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored birth control pill" for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Predickamints".
One day Pepito was having a shower with his father when he saw his fathers penis.
He asked his father what it was and his father replied "this is my racing car".
The next night Pepito heard moaning in his parents room, being curious he peeped in to see what was happening.
He then saw his father on top of his mother, while looking his father saw him and told him to go to his room.
"OK, but I'm not sure you're driving that racing car properly" replied Pepito.
I just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant by Christmas.