Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: Clothes.
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.
I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
A guy was talking with his friend:
I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk.
Ok, but how about your finances?
The lawyer takes care of those...
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is dog.
The second is snake.
And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand?
Football practice.
Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!