Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”
“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented.
“But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”
“That’s nothing said the third paramedic.
“Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”
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Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.
The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.
On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber.
The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.
The time was right to make a move.
The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest.
I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live.
If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer.
He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.
The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."
Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man.
Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’
A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention.
The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?"
The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’
‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer.
‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’
‘But that’s not true,’ says the lawyer. ‘I only lived to be forty.’
‘That’s impossible,’ replies Saint Peter.
‘We’ve added up your time sheets.’