Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”
“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented.
“But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”
“That’s nothing said the third paramedic.
“Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”
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Terrorists have hijacked a planeload of lawyers bound for a legal convention.
They’ve threatened to start releasing the lawyers one by one until their demands are met.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet.
Amanpreet agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
”What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
”And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. ”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
A loan shark asks a lawyers advice:
How can I get back my $1,000 from Johnny if I lost my loan receipt?
Send a letter where you will write to him to send you the $2,000 he owns you.
Ok but I only loaned him $1,000!
That’s the idea, we want to get from hem a proof that he owns you $1,000...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Vote:
Q: How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
Vote:
A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway.
As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground.
A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!"
As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.
''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
"My rolex, my brand new rolex!"
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course.
Where do you think lawyers come from?"