Joke #2664

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak”. The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, ” In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …! ”

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common? Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.

French Army rifles for sale – never fired and only dropped once!

One day, Hitler decided to test out the skills of several prisoners in Treblinka. As the first test, he had his soldiers bring him out the three prisoners, then line them up before him. "How high can you jump?" he asks the first one. "About 1 meter," answers the prisoner. Hitler nodded before turning to his soldier. "Take this one back to work, but give him 1 kilogram of rye bread." After the soldier did as he was told, Hitler stood before the second prisoner. "How high can you jump?" he asks again. After a moment of thinking, the prisoner says. "Two meters, if I really try." Hitler nodded before turning to his soldier again. "Take this one back to work too, but give him two kilograms of rye bread." Observing this, the third prisoner did the maths and hatched a plan. Finally, Hitler stood face to face with him. "How high can you jump?" he asked him at last prisoner. "My most illustrious Führer, I can jump 5 meters!" said the prisoner as a smug grin bloomed on his face. Hitler frowned before turning to his soldier. "Tell me, Walter: how tall are the walls around the camp?" "Three meters, my Führer!" cried the soldier. Hitler nodded again before turning to the last prisoner. "In that case, shoot this one: he may become a problem in the future."

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!” The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. “So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked. The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier? "Chronic syphilis, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.

What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist? The optimist studies English. The pessimist studies Chinese. The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her. "I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "D**k, ten-HUT!" And with that, his d**k sprang to full erection. "D**k, at EASE!" And his d**k deflated again. "That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?" The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman. "D**k, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "D**k, at EASE!" Nothing. "D**k, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, D**k at EASE!" Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating. "What are you doing?" "I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"