The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?
You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step.
Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically:
"Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.
"This fighting between our services?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Q: What's brown and in the military?
A: Gomer's pile.
Vote:
The Captain called the Sergeant in.
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant.
“Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.
You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me.
This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
“Ok, men, fall in and listen up.”
“Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”
“Not so fast, McGrath!”
Recruits got a shock when their Army basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant.
Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water.
At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask.
From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"
"Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,
000.