Joke #2674

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: And his son? A: Bill.

Why are black people & vending machines the same? Because they both don't work & they both steal your money.

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives. The first man says that he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. "That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other." The second man says he had bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason. The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."

A Jewish boy asked his father "Father, can you lend me 50 dollars?" The father replied, "40 dollars, What do you need 30 dollars for?"

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump. "Well, go in the bushes." "What should I use to wipe my ass?" "Use a dollar bill." A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with s**t all over his hands. "What happened?" asks his friend. "I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters."

Why’s a fat woman like a skateboard? They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on one.

After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.' So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00? The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

We’re all self-made but only the rich and successful like to admit it.