Joke #2708

Girl: “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.” Mother: “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?” Girl: “My homework.”

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary."  The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious."  The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands."

A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. "I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue. "Of course!" the 1st guy exclaims, "here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too." Their exchange continues: 1st: "Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?" 2nd: "St. Catherine Street. And you?" 1st: "St. Catherine Street, same as you!" 2nd: "Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?" 1st: "St. Jospeh's Boy's Academy." 2nd: "Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe's too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!" This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?" The bartender shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."

David: Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Dan: I don’t know. Why? David: Because it was always sweeping during class!

Chuck Norris got into Cambridge... without any qualifications.

Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast. They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes. Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped. Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped. Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped. The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said "Why? We can both jump." "How is that?" said the monk. The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents." About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

Q: What is long and hard to a blonde? A: Fourth grade.

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. “And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked. “I don’t know,” the student said. “Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor. “That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!”

One day in class, the teacher says: "Joe, 'I read, you read' what tense is that?" "Simple Lost tense!"

I wish my grades would smoke weed too so we could both get higher.