Joke #2713

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Q: What game does the brontosaurus like to play with humans? A: Squash.

Do people who run know that we're not food anymore?

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear. The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied, "No he beats me." The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

Four men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver." The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest." The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises. ‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’ ‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.

Q. What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? A. The PGA tour

I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.