John was in trouble, really big trouble.
You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through.
His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
She was serious too, so John got serious.
The next morning he woke up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.
Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale.
John has been missing since Thursday.
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Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Men come in three sizes:
Small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked.
"You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!