Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.
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Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
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The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
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What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Baked Beings.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
I'm Mr, Farter.
Mr, Farter who?
I've brought some insecticides to give to your mother in law!
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Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good."
To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."
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Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
"I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep?
A: When the big hand touches the small one.
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Q: What is the point of Jewish football?
A: To get the quarter back
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What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
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