Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?” “Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her? A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
Why did Hitler committed a suicide? He received the bill from Gazprom.
What's the best way to pick up a Jewish girl? Bring a dustpan to Auschwitz
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art.
Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’? A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…
How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became a vegetarian.