Joke #3066

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000, 000.

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today." Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God". "Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?" Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!” So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?” “Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself." Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"

The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door. "Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private. "Yes sir!" the Private Responds. An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. The worried Captain checks with the Sentry. "Did the General arrive?" "No Sir!" Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again? "Hasn't the General arrived yet?" "No Sir!" This continues for two hours. Finally, the General arrives. "Where the hell have you been?" snapped the private, "The captain's looking for you!"

Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife? When she spread her legs he saw bush.

How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes.

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.