Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
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How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?
Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.
The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door.
"Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private.
"Yes sir!" the Private Responds.
An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived.
The worried Captain checks with the Sentry.
"Did the General arrive?"
"No Sir!"
Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?
"Hasn't the General arrived yet?"
"No Sir!"
This continues for two hours.
Finally, the General arrives.
"Where the hell have you been?" snapped the private, "The captain's looking for you!"
A Kentuckian entered the US Army and was in his first week of basic training.
He lived in the back hills and was not used to the modern amenities.
On the first day, he was issued a comb.
On the second day they sent him to the barber to cut off his hair.
On the third day he was issued a toothbrush and toothpaste.
On the fourth day he was sent to the dentist and they pulled ten of his teeth.
On the fifth day he was issued an athletic supporter.
On the sixth day he went AWOL.
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow.
He said he can't walk.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there
was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.
In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.
Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.
His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.
He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.”
“No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied.
“Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”
Iran reveals a plan to test its first Chuck Norris within a week.
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Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Never bin laid on.
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