Q: What is Iraq's national bird ?
A: Duck.
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An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks
"What's your problem, Soldier?
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
Recruits got a shock when their Army basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant.
Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water.
At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask.
From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"
"Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one,
“that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.
They thought they would have some fun with him.
"Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers.
"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"
"Sure am," said the boy.
"If I didn't he would probably join the Army."
A Kentuckian entered the US Army and was in his first week of basic training.
He lived in the back hills and was not used to the modern amenities.
On the first day, he was issued a comb.
On the second day they sent him to the barber to cut off his hair.
On the third day he was issued a toothbrush and toothpaste.
On the fourth day he was sent to the dentist and they pulled ten of his teeth.
On the fifth day he was issued an athletic supporter.
On the sixth day he went AWOL.
The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door.
"Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private.
"Yes sir!" the Private Responds.
An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived.
The worried Captain checks with the Sentry.
"Did the General arrive?"
"No Sir!"
Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?
"Hasn't the General arrived yet?"
"No Sir!"
This continues for two hours.
Finally, the General arrives.
"Where the hell have you been?" snapped the private, "The captain's looking for you!"
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador.