Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy.
Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber.
“That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?
A: Booger King!!!
Q:How does a bear start a race?
A: READY, TEDDY, GO!
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."