Joke #3249

Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the s**t out of you.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

Wouldn’t it be great if men were made by Kodak! They would automatically shut off when they weren’t being used. You wouldn’t have to wait for them to recharge after each shot. They last longer and come with a warranty. You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle. They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it. They come in fashion colors. You can keep them in maximum zoom. They come with replaceable or adjustable parts. The parts that count are portable. They don’t mind over-exposure. They respond to the slightest touch. The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag."

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"

Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining. She said to her husband, "Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!" Her husband, watching TV said casually: "That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don’t even know you."

What do you call a woman that works like a man?? Lazy.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.